Save Me
by Writingiswhatiam
Summary: Emma is being reckless. She's cold and bitter and hollow. Her relationship with Jay in only destroying the both of them. There is only one person who can save her, and you wont believe who it is.
1. Prologue

The shooting affected everybody in different ways. Toby's friend died, and his other friends rejected him. Jimmy was _shot_. He can never walk again. His basketball career, his future, everything is over for him now. Ellie lost her boyfriend. Spinner lost his friends because he played a prank on the wrong guy at the wrong time. And Rick lost everything. His pride, his glory, his _life_. He was humiliated during what should have been the highest point in his life. Spinner and Jay and Alex ruined that for him.

And I? I had to watch somebody die. And the only person that could help me was the one who killed him and he moved back in with his parents. I lost myself. I wasn't Emma 'Save the Trees' Nelson anymore. I was Emma—gonorrhea slut, blowjob whore, ravine prostitute. I had, after all, given Jay a blowjob for those stupid bracelets. That's considered prostitution. I hoped nobody else put that together.

I didn't know what I was going to do or how I was going to turn out in the long run. I felt ruined. Like I was nothing. Useless. Cheap. Immoral. I just wished that somebody could help me. There had to be someone who could save me.


	2. Chapter 1: Nothing Matters

I was lying in bed; awake, when my alarm clock started beeping. I turned it off without looking at it. I never seemed to sleep anymore. I never seemed to eat anymore. I would get up, and dress, and grab something from the kitchen so Mom would think I was eating. I would pretend to be sleepy so she would think I was sleeping.

So, this morning, I got up and dressed in my rainbow shirt that said, "love" on it and a pair of blue jeans. I slipped on my shoes and ran a brush through the hair that had been washed at four o'clock in the morning. I put on the foundation that hid the circles under my eyes and the lip gloss that made my lips look normal, instead of pale and faded, and, grabbing my messenger bag, headed upstairs to the kitchen.

I yawned a rehearsed yawn as I topped the steps and mumbled a good morning to Mom. Baby Jack was in his height chair, playing in applesauce. Snake sat at the table, fiddling with CD-ROMs in his laptop. Mom was at the stove, probably fixing breakfast for Snake and me.

"I have to meet Manny to go over some things for the pep rally," I lied, kissing Mom on the cheek, "so I can't stay. I love you. I'll be home around 5."

"Are you sure you don't have time to eat something?" Mom asked, before I could leave the kitchen.

"I'm sure. Manny's bringing muffins," I said with a faked, award-winning smile.

"Okay. Be careful, and good luck with the pep rally."

"Yeah," I said, as I mumbled 'hello' and 'goodbye' to Snake.

My life seemed so rehearsed. So theatrical. Not like real life. Not like the real life that had killed Rick, or paralyzed Jimmy, or finally broke through Sean's 'tough guy' masquerade. My life was 'perfect.'

The newspapers that said there were one death and two injuries were wrong. There were two deaths. I had died. Emma 'save the trees' had died and Emma 'blowjob whore' had been born.

An orange car slowed to my side as I walked down the street. I knew it was Jay. I didn't want anything to do with him, and yet, I had to literally fight off the urge to get into his car and make us both feel better before school.

_"You know…I liked how you had virtue, or whatever," Jay had said to me._

_"No. I don't have any of that," had been my hallow, almost lifeless, reply. _

_He had just looked at me. He hadn't said anything._

"Do you want a ride?" Jay asked from his car.

I looked over. He was the only one in the car. "Shouldn't you be asking if I want to give you a ride?" I asked offhandedly.

"You were into the blowjobs just as much as I was, Emma," Jay said.

"But nobody is calling you names because of it."

"So what?" Jay asked, pulling his sunglasses down. "Stop caring about what they think."

I looked at him with that distant, empty look in my eyes.

"Get in the car, Emma," he said.

I walked over to his door and opened it, climbing in. I shut the door and stared straight ahead. How I had acted, going down on him like that had been stupid. I had gotten a disease. I had been criticized publicly for it. But I missed it. Those nights at the ravine, just Jay and me. I missed them. It had been fun. _God, what is wrong with me? _I thought. _Can anything stop me? _

"I'm sorry," Jay said, breaking in to my thoughts. "I'm sorry for what I did to you."

I looked at him. "It doesn't matter," I told him. "Nothing matters."

**Authors Note: I'm trying to figure out where I'm going with this, so if it's a little boring now, I promise it won't be. Please Read and Review. I hope the characters are OOC, but if they are let me know please.**


	3. Chapter 2: Get off my back!

I got out of Jay's car without thanking him for the ride or giving him the chance to catch up with me.

I received a couple of questioning glances from people as I walked to my locker. I tried to ignore the looks, but a few of them got to me. Manny was waiting for me at my locker, her arms crosses over her stomach. She was wearing that blue outfit that had gotten her into so much trouble. _Does she ever learn?_ I thought to myself, and then I realized that that is probably what people thought about me when they saw me getting out of Jay's car this morning: _does she ever learn?_

"Hey, Emma," Manny said to me, moving out of the way so I could open my locker.

"Hey, how's the pep rally coming?" I asked, not trying too hard to sound like I cared about her response.

"It's good. That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about."

"What do you mean?" I took out my English book.

"Well, the whole school will be there and I was thinking…. that, well…maybe you would want to do one of your environment projects."

"Who cares about the environment?" I asked, shutting the locker door. I started walking to class.

"You do," Manny said, catching up to me. "It might make you feel better."

"I don't feel bad."

"Emma, we're worried about you. You haven't been the same since…well…"

"Since the shooting? Go ahead and say it. Since the shooting?"

"Calm down, Emma…we're just worried about you. I saw you getting out of Jay's car earlier. Emma, what are you thinking? He's bad news."

"Who is 'we'?"

"You're _friends_," she said. "Liberty, JT, Toby and me."

"Well, what I do is nobody's business but mine. So back off."

"Emma, I'm only trying to help."

"I don't want you help! I don't _need_ your help. And I don't want to spend hours working on an environment project that nobody is going to listen to anyway!" I hadn't realized that I was yelling until I saw Miss Kwan standing next to me.

"Girls, what's going on?" she asked, her hands on her hips.

"Nothing," Manny said quietly.

"Then get into class. The bell is going to ring."

I walked past both of them and took my seat. I tried to read along but I couldn't concentrate. All I could think about was Jay. How good it felt that he wanted _me_; that he had _chosen me_. Out of all of the girls at the ravine those nights, he had picked me. Mousy little Emma. He had liked me, and he still did. I could tell. But he was back with Alex now. The pain that I had felt when he rejected me when they broke up came back to me. He had said he didn't want me. But he did. He did want me. But there was no way I could stand a chance against Alex.

"Emma?" Miss Kwan's voice broke through my thoughts. "Emma, are you alright?"

I looked around. The classroom was empty. "I'm fine, why?" I asked, standing to gather my things.

"I'm concerned about you."

"But I'm fine," I insisted. "Can you give me a note to get to science class?"

"No, I won't give you a note to get to science class," she said, scrawling something on an empty pass. "But I will give you one to talk to Miss Suave."

"I don't need to talk to Miss Suave," I told her. "_I am fine_."

"That isn't what your body language, the bags under your eyes, or your grades say," she said.

I rolled my eyes. "But I _am_."

"You have two choices, Emma. You can either get sent to the office for skipping class, or you can take this note and go talk to Miss Suave." She held out the pass she had just filled out. "It's your choice."


	4. Chapter 3: Closer

"Miss Suave?" I asked, knocking on the door to her office. "Could you give me a note to go to science class? I kind of spaced out in Miss Kwan's class and she wouldn't give me a note, so she made me come down here," I explained. "Kind of stupid, huh?"

"Actually, I was just about to call you down here, have a seat, Emma," Miss Suave said, motioning to a chair.

"I can't right now, I _really_ need to get to class."

"It won't take long," she said. "I promise."

I sat down reluctantly. "What's going on?"

"A couple of people are concerned about you. I heard that you aren't acting like yourself, and you haven't been for quite some time?"

"People change, Miss Suave, that's all there is to it. Sometimes life sucks and it changes you. That's all that's happened with me."

"Well, there's nothing wrong with changing, as long as you can answer these questions about yourself now."

"What questions?"

"Are you happy with whom you've become?" she asked.

I hesitated. _No_, my head screamed_. No, I hate myself! I feel like I am screaming and nobody hears me! I want to die_. "Yes," I said after waiting much too long.

She nodded, but she didn't believe me. "Is it healthy? Are you hurting yourself in any way?"

"No…I mean, yes its healthy and no I'm not hurting myself."

"Then, until you're willing to talk, there's no point in forcing you to talk to me." She scribbled a note and handed it to me.

"Thanks," I took the paper and walked quickly to the door.

"And Emma," she said.

I stopped and turned, "yeah?"

"I hear you," she said. "And when you're ready to talk I will listen."

I wanted to say something. I wanted to stop right there and start crying. I wanted to tell her that it was my fault Rick was dead, I had rejected him and that had been the last straw, and that I should be dead because if Sean hadn't been there Rick would have killed me. But I couldn't. I kept walking instead.

_"It's your fault I'm like this," Rick said, pointing the gun at me. "You rejected me. Why did you lead me on?"_

_"Rick…" I tried to say something, anything, to make him put the gun down. _

_"I loved you! I thought you loved me!" _

_"Rick…stop…"_

_"It's over Emma. Your life is over…right now." _

_A gunshot rang through the air. _

I sat straight up in bed. Another nightmare. The same nightmare. The same horrible, horrible nightmare.

I got out of bed and put my clothes on. I climbed out my window and started walking. I didn't know where I was going, or what I would do. I looked down at my wristwatch. It was two in the morning.

I came to a stop. I was at the Ravine. I could see Jay sitting on the picnic table.

_"Is this seat taken?" I had asked him._

_He had smiled gently at me. "It is now."_

_I sat next to him. _

I walked over to him. "Hey," I managed to squeak out of my throat.

"Hey," he said.

I couldn't think of anything else to say.

"I'm glad you came. I've wanted to talk to you. I've needed you," he said.

I sat next to him. "Why?"

"Because, you get me Cause Girl."

"I'm not Cause Girl anymore," I told him. "Now I'm Blowjob Whore."

He touched my face. "You're not."

Our eyes met. He was serious. "Did it…mean anything to you?"I asked slowly.

"It meant the world to me."


	5. Chapter 4: I need you

**A/N: This one is kind of short, but its a stepping stone for the next chapter that I'm working on. **

I spent most of the night in the Ravine with Jay, just sitting next to him. It was kind of sweet. No words, no barriers, no walls, no friends. Just Jay and me and silence.

I looked down at my watch. "It's five thirty," I said. "I should be going."

"Do you want a ride to school?"

"Aren't you dating Alex?"

"Alex doesn't have what you have."

"What do I have?"

He said nothing. He looked lost in his thoughts.

"I should probably walk. I don't feel like being on Alex's bad side."

"You could take her."

"I've got to go," I said, jumping from my seat on the picnic table. "Thanks for keeping me company."

He grabbed my arm. "Meet me back here tonight?"

His eyes were so intense, so pleading and prodding. Like he was demanding to look right into my soul, despite my best efforts not to let him. "Maybe."

I started to walk away and then I turned back. "Why did you do it?" I asked.

"Why did I do what?"

"Play that prank on Rick…why did you do it?"

His eyes glazed over. "I was stupid. I didn't think it would push him that far."

"It's ruining my life," I told him. And, just like that, I started crying. I couldn't stop the tears. I couldn't keep them from falling.

"Emma," Jay said, standing and facing me. "I'm sorry."

I couldn't say anything. I couldn't **do** anything, except for cry. He put his arms around me, almost as if he felt awkward about it.

"You caused Rick to ruin my life," I sobbed softly. "You and your friends pushed him over the edge. We all pushed him over the edge."

He didn't know what to say. He just patted my back while I rambled.

"And the strangest part of all," I whispered, my head resting on his chest. "Is that I **_need_** you."


	6. Chapter 5: Losing Myself

I looked up at Jay and I kissed him. We made our way to the van parked in the yard, kissing and feeling each other. The whole time my head was screaming, _"Don't do this, Emma, you'll regret it. He's bad for you, this isn't right. You had morals once. Emma, stop." _But I ignored my inner voice. I told it to shut up, not to bother me. I didn't think about what I was doing. I didn't stop to wonder if I wanted to give Jay my virginity. I didn't ask him to use protection, or to stop.

He was on top of me, our bodies moving together in slow motion. If it had been a television show, there would have been a slow saxophone playing, and there would have been candles and silk or satin sheets. Instead there were blankets that smelled like the sex of a dozen other couples, only the light from the bonfire lit the van and it did that just barely, the loud screaming music from the radio filled the small area and something was digging into my back as he moved my body back and forth with his. It wasn't until he was done that I realized I had just lost my virginity.

I walked back to the house and crawled through my bedroom window. The old Emma would have felt guilty; she would have cried and felt used. The old Emma never would have had sex with Jay in the back of a _van_ at the Ravine. But the new Emma felt nothing. **I** felt nothing. No remorse, no guilt, no shame. _Shouldn't I feel guilty? Shouldn't I be ashamed? _

I showered and scrubbed my body. I didn't understand why I was scrubbing so hard. My skin was raw. I didn't want to stop scrubbing until I was clean. But the strange thing was that I didn't even feel dirty.

School was a blur of classes and bells, crowded students and high school melodrama that I really didn't want to take part in today.

I was zoned out for most of the day, trying so hard to pay attention, but not being able to. I felt Jay's eyes on me in the hallway, and at lunch. I wanted to talk to him, but Alex hung on his arm the whole time. I hadn't thought about Alex when last night happened, I turned away from them, a sick feeling rising in my stomach.

_It was just a one night stand_, I told myself. _It didn't mean anything to either of us_. The part that hurt was that I knew it was the truth.

Even though Jay had a girlfriend, and even though he had ignored me today and even though I was kind of mad for him letting me act the way I had last night, I found myself going to the Ravine that night.

He sat at the same picnic table as before. This time a beer was in his hand and a cigarette hung from his lips. I walked up to him and pulled the cigarette from his lips and took a drag.

The cancer tasted good, surprisingly. "Got another one of those for me?" I asked Jay, tilting my head the innocent way he liked and pointing to the bottle of beer in his hand.

He reached behind him and handed me one. "Here you go, Earth Girl," he said.

I twisted the top off of the bottle and discarded it on the ground. "Does that look like something Earth Girl would do?"

He kissed me quickly and then pulled away. "About last night…."

"Let's not talk about last night,"

He nodded.

"I just want to forget about everything. Can you help me?" I batted my eyelashes.

"I have this," he said, holding a joint up to my face.

I looked at it. Marijuana was illegal, except for medicinal purposes. But underage drinking and smoking were illegal too. So was getting somebody killed. "You willing to share?"

He lit the joint up and took a hit. Then he passed it to me. Before I knew what was happening, I was getting wasted and high.

I made too much noise going back into my room at 4 that morning, but I was glad my parents were heavy sleepers.

"Where the hell have you been?" My mothers' voice asked from behind me.

She scared me and I turned quickly to face her. "I…uh…Manny called my cell. She needed to talk so I went over to her house."

She shook her head at me. "Emma, are you drunk?"

"No," I said, laughing a little too much.

"You are," Her voice was angry and concerned. "You know you're not supposed to drink. Why did you poison your body that way, Emma?"

"I didn't…I'm just really tired, can I go to sleep now?"

"No we need to talk about this. Haven't you learned anything from us?"

I rolled my eyes. "Of course I have." 

"Emma, you haven't been eating or sleeping. Did you think I wouldn't notice? You're my daughter, of course I noticed. Miss Suave called me; she said she's had complaints about your participation at school. You could _fail_, Emma, you're throwing your future away. If you don't stop this behavior, Emma, I'll…"

"You'll what? You'll ground me?" I laughed. "Puh-leeze,"

She looked at me. "You need help, Emma, Starting tomorrow, you're going to counseling."

**Authors Note: There, a nice long one for you. I've decided to take a different direction with this story. But it's going to be a surprise, so just lay back and enjoy the angst. Lol. As always, read and review with what you liked about this chapter and what you didn't. **


	7. Chapter 6: You Can't Help Me

I felt a hand pull me into a gap between lockers the next morning. It was Jay and he was standing in front of me.

"Jay, what are you doing?" I asked. _I thought our "relationship" was restricted to the ravine, and only the ravine. For him to talk to me at school was baffling._

"I needed to see you," Jay told me. "I couldn't…" he stopped himself. "I didn't want to wait until tonight," he said, clearing his throat.

"We can't exactly hook up in the janitor's closet," I told him.

"Dammit, is that all you think I want you for?" He asked, a little angry.

"Isn't it?" I asked, my tone almost matching his.

"_You're tense," Jay had said, coming up behind me and putting his hands on my shoulders. _

_His touch had sent shivers up my spine. "I'm always tense."_

"_You'll snap in half if you don't relax." His hand trailed from my shoulder and down my arm, leaving a tingling sensation behind it. _

He just looked at me. "Will you be at the Ravine tonight?"

"Maybe." I walked past him and then I stopped and turned back. "It's okay….if that is all you want, you know?"

His eyes narrowed.

"B—because, that's all I want, too," I lied. _It's safer that way_, I added silently.

He nodded. "Okay."

I walked away after that, not wanting him to see the pain in my eyes. I had wanted him to say that he wanted me for more than a sex-buddy, or hook-up partner. I wanted him to say that he would dump Alex, and be with me.

But to think such things, to even want them, is futile with Jay. It doesn't matter to him how other people feel, or what they think or say or do, At least that was normally the case. But I knew he cared about what I thought, otherwise he wouldn't have given me such a hard time about the 'Green Peace' or 'Cause Girl' thing. I knew he cared about me. But he loved Alex, and whatever she wouldn't give him I could. I had to accept that if I wanted to be with Jay, I would have to do it anyway I could.

The counselors' office was fairly big, with a room to the side that was probably used for counseling. Mom signed the necessary papers and went into the counseling room for a private meeting with the woman. The woman was tall, with curly red hair. She looked pretty cool, but I didn't feel like getting my head shrinked today.

"Your mother tells me you survived a school shooting?" The woman, Julie, asked once we were alone in her office.

I sat on the loveseat across from the rocking chair that Julie sat in. "Yes."

"Will you tell me about it?"

"Not today. I don't feel like talking about it today."

"Well then, tell me about yourself."

"My name is Emma Nelson, and I died in that school shooting, okay?" I said harshly.

"How did you die?"

"I'm not the person I used to be."

"Who did you used to be?"

"I used to care about things. About everything, the environment, animals, genetically modified foods, everything. And now I care about nothing."

"Not even yourself?" She asked,

"No, not even myself. And that's exactly why you can't help me."


	8. Chapter 7: We Can Be Together Now

A/N: This chapter gets graphic, and contains mature content. Since I've warned you, don't report me.

That night, like all of the others, I went to the ravine to see Jay. He was sitting, as always, on the table with his feet on the bench. His left hand held a beer bottle and his right elbow rested on his knee. He smiled at me when I came up to him.

"I was starting to wonder if you were going to show," he said. "You're a little later than usual."

"My parents wanted to talk about what happened at the shrink's office," I told him.

"What happened at the shrinks office?" he asked as I sat down and took the beer from his hand.

"I told her she was wasting her time because she couldn't help me," I said. "I don't need help. I'm fine. The shooting didn't ruin my life the way everyone says it did."

"It changed you a lot though," he said.

"But I'm better off this way," I told him. "This way is more realistic. I mean, like I was actually going to save all of the whales and the rainforests and end world hunger, come on. I was so stupid."

"It isn't stupid," he said. "I thought it was cute."

I put my hand on the inside of his thigh, creeping my fingers slowly upward. "You don't think that's cute?" I whispered in his ear.

He grinned. "No, I think that's sexy."

"The van looks empty," I told him. "You want to have a little fun?"

He took my hand and another beer and led me to the van.

"You're hot, Emma Nelson," he told me.

I kissed him and pulled his shirt over his head. My hands fell on to the buttons of his jeans when, inside, I hesitated. _Did I want this? _I asked myself. _Yes, I decided. _I unbuttoned his jeans.

"Are you okay?" Jay asked, as I pulled the jeans down.

"I'm fine," I said, teasing him with my tongue.

He laughed, "That tickles."

"Does it feel good?"

"Yes." His voice was a little panting now, like he was fighting hard to gain control.

Like before, he stripped my clothes off and entered me, without protection. He didn't bother being gentle and I didn't mind. It felt like he was pounding into me really hard, almost as if demanding that I belong to him and only to him. I didn't mind though, because if it was hard and rough that meant there wouldn't be any mushy, laying in each others arms stuff that would force me to connect with him. Connecting with anybody was dangerous. Connecting with Jay was suicide.

"I didn't hurt you did I?" he asked once he had finished.

"No," I said with a shake of my head. "You didn't hurt me."

"Good," he said, putting his arms around me.

"I should go, though," I said, starting to sit up.

"Why?" he asked, still breathless. "Can't you stay for awhile?"

"Why do you want me to?"

He looked at me like he wanted to say something. I could hear him without him even saying a word. I could hear him saying," _we just shared something so intimate and you want to leave right away?"_

"I'm sorry," I said. "I just…I…"

He kissed me. "Its okay, I understand."

I smiled one of my fake-Oscar-winning smiles, and pulled my clothes back on.

The next day at school, I saw Alex and Jay fighting.

"Just get your hands off me," Jay yelled at her.

"I can't believe you're dumping me after I took you back after hooking up with every skank in this school," Alex yelled.

"Get over it, maybe if _you_ hadn't been so busy with Ms. 'I'm a cheerleader' I wouldn't have had to _have_ every skank in the ravine!"

"And now? What about now? Do you think I don't know about your nightly visits with Emma Nelson?" Alex said loudly.

Everyone turned to stare at me.

"Do you think I don't know you're screwing her? I saw you last night, Jay," she continued.

"Shut up," Jay told her. "Shut your mouth, you don't know what you're talking about."

"I know what it looked like to me. And what it looked like was you on top of her with your clothes off screwing her the way you used to screw me!"

It was so humiliating. I wanted to sink into the floor.

He raised his hand like he was going to hit her. "Shut up about Emma," he warned. He grabbed her hair and pulled her close to him, whispered something, and then let go of her with a jerk. He fled from the building, running out the door, slamming it behindhim with a thud so loudI thought the glass would break,and down the steps.

I went after him. Behind me I heard Alex call, "That's right, you whore, go comfort him the way you did last night."

I tried to ignore her. "Jay," I called. "Jay, stop," I said grabbing his arm once I'd caught up with him at his car.

"I'm sorry, Emma. I'm sorry Alex told the whole school."

"It's okay," I told him. "I don't care about what people say." I touched his face. "What happened?"

"Get in the car, we can go somewhere."

"Okay," I said.

We drove for a long time before he said anything. "Alex is such a bitch," he said. "She always has been."

"Why were you two fighting?"

"She accused me of cheating on her."

"You are cheating on her," I told him.

"I know," he sighed. He reached his hand over and grasped mine. "But, this means we can be together now, right?"

I hesitated. "Lets not label us. Everything goes to shit after people label things."

He looked at me. "I thought you liked me," he said.

"I do," I told him.

"Then what's the problem?"

"I told you, I just don't like labels."

He wanted to say something, but all he said was: "Sometimes I just don't get you, Emma."


	9. Chapter 8: Crash and Burn

I didn't know what Jay had meant by that comment. _Sometimes he didn't get me? I thought he was the only one who did get me. I thought he cared._ I kept trying to tell myself that he didn't, but I knew he did. He dumped Alex for me. He defended me. He _had sex_ with me. But that didn't mean anything to him. It was stupid to think that it had.

I needed to get away from Jay. I knew that. But I couldn't get away from him. He was intensely attractive, not just in appearance, but in attitude, too. Especially attitude. It was horrible, my attraction for his destructive magnetism.

"Do you have a condom?" I asked him, pulling my mouth away from his. We were in the backseat of his car. We had found a small back road to pull on to after I had asked him if he wanted me to make him feel better.

"What?" he asked. "We've never used one before." He started to pull my pants off.

"I'm serious, Jay, we need to be careful," I told him. "I don't want to end up like Manny."

Jay sighed. "I might have one in here somewhere." He searched in the dash compartment for a while. "Here, finally," he said, climbing back into the back seat with me.

"Thanks," I said.

Again, he wasn't gentle or kind. It was sex to him, and nothing more. I was sex to him. That was all. I decided that if it was going to be like that, I might as well enjoy it, so I got rough too. That made him finish faster.

"Wow," Jay said, sitting back against the seat. "That was amazing."

"Thanks," I said, pulling my clothes back on.

"You want to leave again? Just like that?"

I stopped. "Is there a problem with that?"

"No, it was great," he said.

"What's your problem?" I asked. "You're getting free sex without strings. Most guys would love to be in your situation."

He looked at me. "Most guys don't…forget it. You know, you're right. I'm glad you're easy." With that, he pulled his clothes on and climbed into the front seat and started the car.

I sat back there with my mouth hanging open. _Easy_? _Had he just called me easy?_ I was pissed. But Jay was right. I was easy. "Yeah," I said. "I just hope you're clean this time."

He glared at me. "You had gonorrhea, too, Emma."

"Yeah and you gave it to me."

"You wanted it just as badly as I did."

I ignored him. "Just shut up and drive, Jay."

He pushed the gas pedal down really hard. The car started going faster. The speedometer climbed from 50, to 60 and then to 80 and then 90.

"Jay, you're scaring me."

He said nothing, his eyes fixed on the road.

That's when I saw it. The other car.

"Jay, stop!" I screamed.

He slammed on the breaks. I saw my world turn upside down and then everything went black.


	10. Chapter 9: There is Always Hope

A/N: I changed the mistakes in Crash and Burn, so if you want to re-read it. This one might get confusing, because there is a lot that I want to happen.

**ScorpiaS: **_I like this chapter! The way you described the sex scene was awesome (lol that sounds weird, but the whole satin sheets/ candles thing was good) and you made the story seem realistic and believable. Awesome, Jas :)_** Thanks so much! That means a lot to me. I worked really hard on that scene. I wanted it to show that Emma had imagined how her first time would be, and reality was nothing like what she had imagined, and that maybe, that's how her future would be. Also, I loved the 'instead there were blankets that smelled like the sex of a dozen other couples' part. I thought the wording was really good on that. I'm so glad its realistic, thank you! Thanks for faithfully reading this story. **

**Green Lemonade: **_Aw, its so sweet...I think anyway. But I kind of see where this might go. Emma's going to get pregnant_? **I'll never tell. But thanks for saying that its sweet. And thanks for faithfully reading this story. **

**StoryWriter92: **_Wow...that was deep. Great chapter! You have a great way of showing that Emma's changing drastically without making her out of character.  
My only advice would be to make Emma resist more when she's with the counselor. Let her let out her emotions little by little, and maybe have some sessions where she doesn't speak at all. It'll really help develop the story. _**Yay! I love it when my stories are deep. And it means so much to me that Emma is still in character. I have a problem with the Emma and the counselor scene, too, but they won't always be like that. She'll resist in future scenes. Thanks! **_The only thing I didn't like was that Spike seemed a little out of character. But it was only one paragraph, so it was no big deal _**I hate that part of the story, too, but you're right, it is only one paragraph, so I shouldn't have a meltdown, right? Haha. Anyway, expect an IN CHARACTER Spike soon…**

"I told you one thousand times, I am fine," I said, aggravated at the Emergency Room doctor. "There was no need to call my parents, I could have taken a cab."

"That's nonsense. They'll be here any minute anyway," the doctor said. "Now, tell me again, what happened?"

"I told you!" I exclaimed. "Why do you make me repeat myself?"

"Tell me one more time."

"Jay and I were arguing, and he was speeding. He didn't see the other car, and when he did he swerved and I guess we ran off the road."

"Jay? Is that your boyfriend?"

I looked away. "No, he's just a friend."

"Okay. We need to run some tests," he said. "Are you sexually active, Emma?"

I was confused. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"I'm just required to ask," he said.

"Yeah, I am."

"When was your last period?"

"At the beginning of the month," I told him. "Like, the 3rd through the 8th."

He nodded. "We need to take a urine sample, and the nurse will be here to take you to X-ray."

Putting up with Mom and Snake was horrible. All of the questions were annoying.

"What were you doing skipping school?"

"Why were you with Jay?"

"Why were you on that road anyway?"

"Are you okay?"

School wasn't much better. Manny thought she had a right to 'parent' me too.

"Why are you still hanging out with Jay?" She ambushed me at seven thirty in the morning. She'd been standing by my locker, her hands on her hips.

"It's none of your business," I told her, pushing her aside so I could open the door to my locker.

"Do you ever learn?" She said, asking the familiar question I had always asked myself. "He cheated on Alex with how many girls? He gave you gonorrhea. He went back to Alex, and then he almost _hit_ her in the hallway the other day!"

"He was defending me!" I told her.

"Is what Alex said true? Do you go to see him every night at the ravine? Do you sleep with him?"

"Manny that is none of your business."

"So that means that it is true? Is it like with the blowjobs?" she asked, tauntingly, making fun of me. "Does he give you bracelets if you do a good job?"

"You think that the blowjobs were about the stupid bracelets?" I asked her in a hushed, almost frantic voice. "It was so much more than that, Manny. You're just too freaking shallow to see it."

"And the sex? Is that more?"

"Manny, I already told you that it's none of your business!" I said to her, losing my patience.

"Are you sleeping with him, Emma? Are you turning into a slut now?"

"Yes, I'm sleeping with him, okay?" I screamed at her at the top of my lungs.

Everybody in the hallway turned and looked. Snake included.

"Are you happy now?" I asked her, tears coming to my eyes. "Are you fucking happy now?" I walked past her and to English class.

I didn't stay in class long, though, because minutes after the bell rang there was a knock on the door and Snake stuck his head in. "Can I talk to Emma for a few minutes, please?" he asked Miss Kwan.

Miss Kwan nodded and said, "Go ahead, Emma."

I didn't want to move. I knew he had heard my screaming at Manny in the hallway. I knew he had heard my confession.

I walked over to the door as quickly as I could. I could feel my classmates eyes on me, questioning what was going to happen, wanting to see me get yelled at and grounded.

"My classroom is empty right now," Snake said, leading the way.

"Is this important?" I asked, before following him. "I don't really have the time to—"

"Yes, Emma, this is important," he snapped.

I solemnly followed him to his classroom.

"Emma, what's going on with you?" he asked once he'd sat on his desk. I leaned against the table opposite of him.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Yes, you do, Emma," he said. "You're sneaking out late, every night, you're skipping school. You got into a car with _Jay_; you got into an accident with him. Now I hear you screaming that you're having sex with him?"

I looked away. "I was just telling Manny what she wanted to hear so she would shut up."

He nodded. "I don't believe you, Em. I want to know what I can do to help. Just tell me what I can do to save you from all of this."

"I'm sorry, dad, but what you see is what you get. This is how the shooting affected me. This is how it changed me. You saw Rick being teased; you knew what was going on. You could have gone to Raditch. But you didn't. Instead everybody ignored what happened, and he came to school with a _gun_. He tried to _kill_ me, Dad," I said, keeping my voice as calm as possible. "Now there is no saving me."

"I don't believe that," he said. "There is _always_ hope."

Somehow, his words pierced the barrier that I had built around me. _Hope_. I'd forgotten that the word even existed. The words repeated inside my head. _There is always hope_. _There is always hope_. _There is always hope_.


	11. Chapter 10: A little bit of me

**A/N: I only have about an hour and 10 minutes to write this chapter, because I'm in class. So, if its rushed, then I may rewrite it later tonight**. **Also, I'm not sure if these memories are actually correct, like word for word, but they're basically the same. They may be paraphrased a little.**

I lay on my bed, thinking about the words Snake had said to me. There is always hope. Was he right? Was there still hope for me? Had there been hope for Rick?

_"Rick, why did you come back here?" I asked him that day after I had kept Alex from releasing her anger about her mom on him. _

_"I like Degrassi. Well, I used to…now its hell." He looked like he was in pain. Emotional pain, the kind that doesn't heal very easily. "But I've changed. All those people in there that hate me…I want to show them that."_

_"They're not interested."_

_"They will be. One day." _

One day. They were interested one day. The day that it became too late.

_"Is this about Rick?" Sean asked, as he and Ellie came up behind Paige and me. _

_"It's a silent protest," I said. "We want to make his life hell."_

_"Emma is a genius; Raditch can't do anything about it." Paige said. _

_"Wow, such hero's," Ellie said sarcastically, walking between us. _

She had been right. Did we actually think we were going to end violence against women? Was that even our goal? No. We had done it for the wrong reasons.

Mom and Snake had stopped asking me to come to dinner a long time ago, when they realized that nothing they could say or do could drag me from my dungeon-like room in the basement. Tonight, I didn't want to be alone, and I didn't want to see Jay.

I found myself slowly climbing the stairs to the kitchen. I opened the door slowly. Mom and Snake were sitting at the table, their plates in front of them. Jack was in his height chair next to them. Mom had made veggie-pizza-the kind that you don't bake.

"Mind if I join you guys?" I asked them, lingering in the doorway.

They looked surprised. "Of course we don't mind," she said, standing up. "do you want something to drink? We picked up some green tea today."

"Green tea would be great," I told her, sitting down at my seat.

Mom placed a plate and the glad of green tea in front of me and I helped myself to a slice of the pizza.

"How are you holding up, Emma?" Mom asked me, sitting back down.

"I'm okay," I said, not sure if I was lying or not.

"We don't have to talk about it right now, if you don't want to," she told me.

"Thanks, I'd appreciate that."

"You have another counseling appointment tomorrow, remember?" she took a bite of her pizza. "I thought, that, if you'd like we could do some retail therapy after it."

"That sounds like it would be fun," I said. I felt awkward, like I was a stranger in my own house. And that's when I realized it. I'd been pushing everyone away. If I was uncomfortable in my house it was because I had made it that way.

That night, around 9:00, I changed into my pajamas and curled up in my bed. Within five minutes, I was fast asleep. And I stayed that way until my alarm clock went off the next morning.

**A/N: Sorry if it was short, but I have to do make-up work now. Hope you liked the chapter. Has anybody figured out who's going to help Emma yet? I want to take a poll, so please answer in your review. **


	12. Chapter 11: Help From an Unlikely Friend

Aprilj: _I think that it is good so far. Keep up the good job. And I know I sound stupid for asking but what is OOC? _**OOC means out of character. You didn't sound stupid. ) Does anyone know what AU means?**

For everyone who guessed: Those are good answers. You'll have to wait and see…

I tried avoiding Jay as much as I could the next day. But it was kind of hard to. I mean, everywhere I turned, there he was.

"Emma," he called after me before Media Immersion.

I didn't want to talk to him, so I ducked into the girls' bathroom. If he followed me into here, then he was definitely nuts. But he didn't follow me.

I sighed, leaning against the wall.

"Got problems?" I heard a voice ask me.

I looked up. Ellie Nash was standing at the sink, washing her hands.

"Maybe," I said.

"Are you okay?" She asked me, pulling a paper towel from the holder and walking toward me as she dried her hands. "I've heard rumors."

"You, of all people, should know that a rumor is just a rumor," I told her.

She nodded silently.

"I'm sorry if that was mean. I…haven't been the same since, well…"

"Its okay. The shooting was hard on everybody, but you watched it all happen. Not even Sean could handle that."

"I miss him," I admitted.

"I do, too," she said.

"Has he called you or anything?"

"Once. And I got a couple of letters from him. That's about it."

"Its sad. It seems like the shooting ruined everybody." I sank to the floor and rested my arms around my legs.

She sat next to me with her legs criss-crossed. "I don't believe that people can be ruined," she said. "I think that the harder things are for you, the stronger you'll be."

"I don't feel very strong," I told her. "I haven't been very strong."

She reached into her bag and pulled out a business card. "Here," she said, handing it to me, "this is from the support group I go to. Maybe you'd be interested."

I took the card from her. "Thanks."

"The next meeting is tomorrow around 5:00."

"I might be there. I have an appointment with my psychologist this afternoon. I don't really want to go."

"But you should go," she said. "I didn't like the thought of spilling my guts out to total strangers either. But sometimes that's the best thing that you can do. You know? Strangers have no reason to judge you, or even really care about judging you. To me its…comforting."

The tardy bell rang. "Thanks," I said, standing to my feet. I reached down to help her up.

"Your welcome," she said, after I helped her stand up. "I hope things get better for you."

I smiled at her. "I'll see you at the group tomorrow."

"That was a good session, Emma," my counselor said, as I get ready to leave her office. "You didn't talk much though. Are you going to come back next week?"

"I don't want to," I told her. "But I know that I need to."

"That's the first step," she said.

"The first step to what?"

"To getting better."

Retail therapy made me feel a lot better than I thought it would. Mom bought me a new shirt, an orange and white polo, and a long, white flow-y skirt. I didn't know when I would be back into my Earth Girl bohemian clothes, but this would be the first outfit I would wear when I did.

Spending time with Mom, without baby Jack, was the best part.


	13. Chapter 12: Taking a Break

A/N: Sorry it took so long for the update. For some reason, it seems like the only time I can write this story is when I'm in my business management class. Isn't that weird?

"_I'm glad you came. I've wanted to talk to you. I've needed you," he said._

_I sat next to him. "Why?"_

"_Because, you get me Cause Girl."_

Did I really 'get' Jay the way he said I did? I wondered sometimes, if maybe he was trying to get close to me but the only way I would let him try was through sex. That wasn't how I'd intended it to be when I first started going back to the ravine. I'd just wanted to spend time with Jay—the only person who really saw the full affects of the shooting on me. I hadn't meant to have sex with him, or to find my comfort through sex. But maybe he hadn't wanted any of that either.

"_Will you be at the Ravine tonight?"_

"_Maybe." I walked past him and then I stopped and turned back. "It's okay….if that is all you want, you know?"_

_His eyes narrowed._

"_B—because, that's all I want, too," I lied. It's safer that way, I added silently._

_He nodded. "Okay."_

I needed to talk to him. To find out for sure if that's all he wanted. If it was all he wanted, then I could never see him again, if it wasn't then we could try to be together. Either way, I needed to _know_.

I found myself climbing out of my window and making the familiar walk to the Ravine, and back through it to the picnic table where Jay always sat.

But he wasn't there. I looked around for him, trying to find him. A horrible feeling sank into the pit of my stomach as I looked to the van.

"Where's Jay?" I asked a guy who had come to the picnic table for another beer.

The guy pointed to the van. "He's in there."

I walked up to the van, not wanting to open the door and see him with somebody else. I imagined how Alex had felt; taking the same walk I was taking a little over a month ago. Had these thoughts been running through her mind? The thoughts that wondered what he was doing and whom he was with and if he liked her more than me.

"Jay?" I asked, knocking on the door to the van. "Jay, are you in there?" I scolded myself for not leaving, for wanting to hurt myself by seeing another girl with him: a girl that didn't mind being held or going slow once in awhile.

The door slid open and Jay was in front of me. "Emma, what are you doing here?"

"I came to see you. I wanted to talk. Who…who are you with?"

His eyes narrowed. "I'm not with anybody. I wanted to be alone."

I felt a rush of relief and took the hand that he had offered to help me into the back of the van.

"What did you want to talk about?" he asked.

"I need to know something. And it doesn't matter what your answer is, as long as it's an honest answer. You have to swear that you wont lie to me, because I need to know the truth."

"The truth about what?"

"About how you feel about me. Do you really like me, or do you just want to have sex?"

He was quiet for a long time. So long, in fact, that I thought about getting out the van and running. "No, that's not all I want," he said. His voice was quiet, almost forced. I couldn't see his face, and for a second I entertained the thought that he might have been crying, but I didn't think that was likely. This was Jay we're talking about.

I didn't know what to say. That wasn't the answer I had been preparing for. "I need some time, Jay. I want to be with you, but…it's just not a good idea right now."

"Why isn't it?"

"I need to heal. I need be able to feel something. I need to be able to care. That ability is just now starting to come back. I think I need some time to be by myself, to work things out. I'm no good for anybody the way I am right now." I touched the side of his face, and kissed him. I kissed him slowly, for the first time in a long time.

I left him in the van, sitting solemnly. When I got back to my house, my window was closed. I tried to push on it, but it was locked. I was caught. I would have to go in the front door. I prepared myself for the worst and walked through the front door, which had been left unlocked.

"Where were you?" the voice of my angry mother asked me.

"I was…taking a walk. I like the fresh air."

"That's dangerous, Emma, you could get hurt," Snake said.

"I didn't think of that, I guess," I said.

"This behavior has to stop, Emma. Why don't you talk to me? I'm your mother."

"There's nothing to talk about, Mom, I'm fine. I just went for a walk to clear my head."

"Go to your room and get some sleep. We'll talk about this in the morning."

I walked quickly to the basement door and opened it. I started down the stairs.

"Goodnight, Emma," mom called. I turned to call out to her, but I twisted my ankle and I fell. That's the last thing I remember.

* * *

I woke up to the face of the same emergency room doctor I had seen after the car accident.

"Back again?" he asked me, making a note on his clipboard.

"Not on purpose. What happened?" I asked. I felt a knot on my head and my whole body was sore.

"You fell down the steps to your basement," he told me. "You're parents will be in here for a second. Your dad went to get your mom some food and your mom is speaking with the nurse."

"Am I okay?" I asked.

"You are," he said. "I'm sorry, Emma, but you lost the baby."

I almost choked. "What baby?" I asked. "There must be a mistake... I wasn't pregnant. What baby?"

"I'm sorry, Emma, I didn't realize that you didn't know. You were three and a half weeks pregnant."

"Do my parents know?"

"Yes," he said.

I'd been pregnant. I had been carrying a baby. A life. For three and a half weeks.

"Oh, honey," Mom said, rushing to my side. "I am so sorry."

I couldn't say anything. All I could do was cry in my mothers' arms.


	14. Chapter 13: A Talk With Mom

My basement room was dark, lit only by the lamp in the corner. I lay propped up in my bed under the covers. It was the morning after I'd found out about the miscarriage

The basement door opened and Mom came down the steps. "How do you feel?" She asked. She had a large coffee cup in her hand. She looked worried and stressed. She probably hadn't slept the night before. "I brought you some tea," she said, handing the cup to me. "Its chamomile."

"Thanks," I said after taking a sip of the hot tea. "I'm so tired."

"You should sleep," she told me. "Snake talked to the school. Ms. Hatzilikos said you could take the rest of the week off without it counting against your absenteeism. And he's picking up your assignments."

"Thanks," I said.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked. "Was the baby Jays?"

"Yeah, the baby was Jays. I was so stupid. I don't know what I was thinking.'

"Its okay, honey. Everybody makes mistakes. By mistake, I mean having unprotected sex, I'm not calling the baby a mistake."

"I know. Are you mad at me?"

"No, honey, I'm not mad at you." She sat next to me on the bed. "I just wish you would talk to me."

"I don't know what to say," I said quietly. "I mean, the shooting…it messed me up. I don't know why it did. I helped cause it. I bullied Rick when he came back. I helped start the hatred that drove him to bringing that gun to school. I was his friend. And he had a crush on me…I rejected him. He was going to kill me. He actually wanted to kill me."

She put her hand on my shoulder. "But it wasn't your fault. Emma, you didn't bring that gun to school and put it in his hand. He _chose_ to do that. As tragic as it is, that was his choice. I'm not diminishing the fact that the hell he went through at school drove him to that decision. But, honey, everybody drove him to it. Spinner, Jimmy, Paige, JT, even Jay. That doesn't mean that it is their fault. So it isn't yours either."

I'd heard all of it before. That it was nobody's fault, that it was Rick who chose to do that. But for the first time, its like I actually listened. And I believed her. "You're right," I told her.

She smiled. "You'll be okay," she told me. She kissed me on the forehead. "Take a nap, okay?" She turned the lamp off on her way out.

I was asleep within minutes.

* * *

"Honey, you have a visitor," Mom said to me. "Do you want me to ask her to come back?"

I sat up and looked at my alarm clock. It was 4:00. "No, its okay," I said, rubbing my eyes.

She left and Ellie came downstairs. "I like your room," she said, looking around.

"It's okay."

"You didn't come to school or the group meeting yesterday, so I was worried."

"I'm okay," I told her. "I'm just taking a little bit of a break."

"It's a good idea," she said. "Can I ask what happened?"

"Nothing really," I said. "I just fell down the stairs." I added quietly; "and I lost the baby."

"I'm so sorry. I didn't realize you were pregnant."

"Neither did I. But I'm okay. It's better this way, you know? I'm young."

She nodded. "The sad part is that you're right."

"When is the group meeting?"

"There's one next Wednesday. Are you going to be there?"

"Probably. I wont be back to school until Monday."

"I'll come back by and see you, then," she said. "Oh, and I brought you this," she reached into her messenger bag and pulled out a package.

"You didn't have to bring me anything," I told her.

"It's okay, I wanted to."

I opened it. It was a book called Catalyst, by Laura Halse Anderson. "Thank you," I said.

"No problem. I read the back and I thought about you."

"That's really sweet."

"I'll come see you tomorrow. I'm sorry I woke you up."

"It's okay."

I slept again after Ellie left. I felt like I hadn't slept in months, and sleeping felt _so_ good.


	15. Chapter 14: Jay

When I woke up, Jay was standing above me. It scared me at first, because I didn't realize it was him.

"What are you doing here?" I asked. I sat up and rubbed my eyes.

"I wanted to see you," he said. "I heard…about the baby."

"Who told you?" I asked.

"Your mom."

I nodded. "I'm sorry I lost your baby." I couldn't think of anything else to say. I didn't feel like crying. I didn't feel like being so upset and miserable again. I anted to survive this. I _needed_ to survive this.

"It wasn't your fault," he said.

Just like that, I was crying. I didn't want to cry. I didn't want him to see me like this—so torn up about the baby we never could have raised. The baby we were never meant to have.

"Emma," he said, coming to my side. He sat on the edge of my bed. "It wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't even know, did you?"

I shook my head 'no'. "I didn't."

He put his hand on my back to comfort me. He didn't know how to comfort me without sex. "Emma, please, don't do this to yourself. You deserve to be happy."

"I know," I said. "I know."

"Is there anything I can do?"

"No," I said. "But thanks, I just need to be alone right now."

"I understand," he said. "You know where to find me when you get better."

I nodded. "I'm sorry. I just…I can't talk right now. I'm not very good company."

"It's okay." He started to walk away, and then he stopped at the steps and turned. "Emma," he said.

"Yes?" I asked, looking up at him, embarrassed by my tear stained face and my red nose and puffy eyes.

"I love you."


	16. Chapter 15: Wait

I watched as Jay left my room in the basement. My heart had stopped. He _loved_ me? He really loved me? He really loved me.

I felt this sensation rise in my chest, almost indescribable. Anticipation? Fear? Anxiety? Love.

Before I knew what I was doing, I flung the covers away and my feet hit the floor. I ran up the stairs and out the door, following Jay.

"Jay!" I called, seeing his back walking down the street. "Jay wait!"

He turned.

I ran into his arms, my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist, and kissed him. "I love you," I said, my face centimeters in front of his. "I've always loved you."

He broke out into a huge smile. He spun me around, kissing me at the same time. When we stopped we were both dizzy.

I smiled at him. "I owe you an apology," I said, as he lowered my feet to the ground. "I was cold. I wouldn't let you get close to me. I'm so sorry…" my voice cracked. I'd done more crying in the last two days than I'd done since Snake got cancer.

He cupped my face. 'Shh," he said soothingly. "None of that matters now." He pulled me into his arms, and held me close to him for the first time. It felt so right, being in Jay's arms, having him hold me. This was what he'd wanted all along. To hold me. "All that matters now is you and I. Us."

"Us," I whispered.

**Sorry it's so short! Class is over now, so I'll update again when I can! **


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